Who are the customers I deal with?

Here is a quick profile, a cross-section, if you will, of the types of people that are out there in this world and contacting bway.com.

I called this customer and had to leave a voice mail. This was his answering machine message:

"Hi, you've reached the Parkers. For English, press 1 and wait for the tone. For Spanish, hang up now and call back after learning English. This is just a quick reminder that you still live in America."

This guy really gets that many non-English speaking people calling him to warrant leaving that on his answering machine? What's the point anyway? If they don't speak English, they won't understand what you're saying. In reality, the sole purpose of this answering machine message was to let friends, family and broadway.com employees know his position on English being the national language. I wonder if he knows that America doesn't have a national language...

And now for some amazing emails sent in by some of our customers. Many thanks to Nathaniel Bogart who compiled them and gave me the go ahead to publish them to the world. Names and contact info have been changed for the privacy and dignity of these hilariously misguided people (Although, I wish I could call them up to tell them what morons they are) Aside from that, these remain unchanged from how they were sent.

From: Lisa Nun
Subject: Other
Message: I really don't know if you can even help me, but maybe you can point me in the right direction. I am having a Phantom Of the Opera themed wedding where I will be dressed as Christine, the problem I am having is that I am looking for the wig that she wears and possibly the clothing. If you have any idea where I may be able to find these items or who I could contact if you are not the correct party please let me know. Any help in this matter would be much appreciated. Thank you . Sincerely , Lisa Nun


From: Raelpho Noggin
Subject: Other
Message: Broadway Representatives:
I was wondering if there was a possibility for me to audition as an actor/singer, for any upcoming broadway show. I was thinking of sending you a video, for example, or something to test my adeptness so that maybe you can considerate the fact of having me onboard.
Thanks for your time, please answer my inquietude.

From: Jean Spitzer
Subject: New York Information
Message: My husband and I are planning to take our son --and his girl friend?? -- out on the town in NYC for his 20th birthday next Feb 07. We are all from out of town. My husband thinks there's probably some "cool" night spot that we could all go to together. I doubt it. By the way we are African Amn. Do you know of any such 'scene'??

From: Jennica Morgan
Subject: General Theater Information
Message: Hi Could you Please send me info on The lion kjng and any general Broadway info you have. Also A plastic bag or box with NY or broadway on it My adress is 1409 Rusten Good Rd Greensboro, NC 29634 Thank You!!!!!

From: Sofia London
Subject: Other
Message: Hi! i just wanna ask someone if i could star i some of the upcoming musicals at Broadway, i grew up i Sweden and like to do theatres, i have never been in a musical home in sweden before, so its something new for me,

And this is, by far, my favorite.

From: Ricky t. Fratz

Subject: Other
Message: Hey I am 15 years old and I will be in ninth grade at Democracy high school in Nazareth twsp. PA. I would like to somehow get onto broadway in the next few years, i am a dancer and I seriously am a legend and a very popular kid in Nazareth. I can act a little and can sing a little too. I have been dancing for almost my whole life. I can do a bunch of kinds of dances including freestyle, hip-hop, pop, jazz, and ballroom. I have been in a ton of talent shows, musicals, and choirs. I am not really a stranger when it comes to being on stage. It has been me and my family's dream for a couple years already to be recognized and to be on broadway, especially. I have taken lessons for singing and dancing. I do not like to fly on a plane so I really can't go too many hours away, so that's one of the reasons why I want to be on broadway at least it is only a couple of hours away. I would also like to make some money now, dancing on broadway. Pretty much the main reason for getting on broadway is my nana is almost 80 and I don't know how many more years I'll have her around and she really would love to see her favorite grandchild doing what he loves on broadway, dancing. I used to live right down the street from her a couple of years ago and now that I live a couple of miles away It does'nt change the fact that she always bugs me to do something I love and her dream is to see me on broadway. I go to the same church as her, I go out with her and my grandpa out to eat or shopping a couple of times a month. I also talk on the phone with her litterally every night. I see her and my grandpa almost more than my mom and dad, younger sister, my pets or even my friends. I've been told that there is something very special bond with a young boys life, and that is the bond between a young boy and his grandma. Thanks for reading this and please, give me a chance to honor myself, my town, my family and most of all my loving grandma who pushes me towards my goal of music EVERY DAY.

there is no need to make witty remarks on these. I think they speak for themselves.

Oh, Broadway.com, you sad sad corporation.

My supervisor just walked by, oh so importantly, while I was looking at T-shirts online at The Onion Store and muttered passive-aggressively, "nice t-shirts." To which I wanted to respond: "Ya know what, Wallace? They ARE nice t-shirts. They are actually pretty damn hilarious. Maybe you wouldn't rather be reading a t-shirt that says, "Stereotypes are a real time saver" but I would. "

I didn't do that though. I quickly clicked over to a work-related page, moved my mouse around feigning productivity, went back to finish looking at t-shirts, then decided to write a blog about it.

He wears a wireless headset. In case you didn't know, what we do here at Broadway.com is really important--Wallace and his headset want you to know that. Every customer he talks to on that thing sure knows it--he can't resist joyfully telling the customer, "I have my new wireless headset so now I can walk around the office AND talk to you at the same time."

I'm sure they're really impressed...

I am not. Nothing about this art-killing company impresses me anymore. I used to think it was cool that I had my own cubicle. How naive and anxious for adulthood I was. I used to be excited that we got free pizza for lunch on holidays--now I wonder why they don't pay for us to go out drinking like cool companies do. I used to think Broadway was magical--oh, the irony to see it now as the greedy, corporate machine it is.

I, for one, am glad that I spent the last part of my day here at work writing this blog. As I hear people freak out and have embarrassing outbursts at frustrating customers, it comforts me to know that I don't care. I don't care at all. It makes me happy to know that the majority of each paycheck I get is for me not doing work =)

Oh boy...

So I was gonna write a little bit about how I was pleasantly thrust into the Christmas spirit today with the multitudes of Christmas songs playing on the radio at my co-workers desk. I was gonna write about how I think it's too early for the Christmas season--it's not even December, but there I was, getting all excited. I was gonna write about past Christmas's when my sister Katie and I would be running around our house pretending to be reindeer while decorating the house and listening to Johnny Mathis.

I was gonna write about that, but then decided there are more important things that need discussing:

Clay Aiken and his latest antics.

Lucky for Kelly Ripa, the producers of Live! chose Clay Aiken to be the guest host on Friday's show. Apparently he was being an ass to Kelly Ripa the entire time, gaining the confidence and prickishness he lacked as a foppish, bumbling highschooler. Take a look at this and then watch how Rosie O'Donnell and the ladies at The View got involved today.


What an outrageously gay, morning-talkshow clusterfuck this is!

This is so ridiculous, for numerous reasons:
1. Clay Aiken is a douche.
2. Isn't the fact that Rosie O'Donnell called it a "homophobic remark" declaring that Clay Aiken is gay? The irony of Rosie outing Clay whilst defending his actions is ripe.
3. Clay Aiken really is a big douche. I love how awkward he got after he realized what he did was a "no no." You can actually watch as he reverts back to his self-conscious, mousy, inner-child while trying to deflect the wrath of Ripa.

Oh, I know it's such a blogging cliche to gossip about the latest entertainment bitchfests, but when Clay Aiken is involved, it becomes a whole lot classier. And besides, it really is too early to blog about Christmas.

2 things that are pissing me off right now.

1. The giant flies that are swarming in the hallways of our building.

These aren't your normal, everyday, nuisance flies. Oh no. These are husky, burly flies born of the devil. Fortunately, we don't have any in our apartment, just the hallway. But its annoying having to walk in your own building through hordes of these disease ridden creatures, swatting your hands in the air like a crazy crack whore on the subway. As if trudging up 5 deadly flights of slowly decaying stairs isn't enough, I now have to brave the rainforests of Burma. Great. Lets just hope that I'm not around when they pull out a dead body from 3C.

2. Rosie O'donnell's Blog.

Have you seen this? Bitch is too lazy to write in complete sentences and then masquerades her lackadaisical efforts as poetic verse. Please, you're not foolin' anyone Rosie. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy her enough, but C'mon, it's like they give a blog to just anyone nowadays.

the comments go off
a turtle back in the shell
vivi worries the tub will overflow
as i adjust the chrome handles
2 know how much
is enuf

What?! What does this mean? What are you trying to say? Are you a turtle? I don't get it, are we supposed to obey the line endings when reading this? Why do you feel the need to write '2' instead of 'to'? Does that extra character take too much of your precious time? You really had to abbreviate 'enough' to 'enuf'? Really? And there's also a thing called punctuation. Check it out. e.e. cummings you are not.

ugh. Okay. That's my rant on what's pissing me off right now. Really though, besides this, everything is going smashingly!!

life filled with hope
a racoon at night
bright eyes
bear used 2 b a
prince in a former
life
moving foward
not forgetting 2 breathe

dinner 11.8.06

It is not easy looking as good as I look. It takes a time, energy, and healthy wherewithal the majority of people are not ready to incorporate into their daily life. It's a damn good thing I was birthed a fantastic cook.

Fear not fellow eaters, for you too can enjoy my creative masterpiece.

Ingredients:

2 slices of white bread. (cheap white bread. none of that 'bread with grains' shit.)
1 garden burger. (this is what makes it healthy folks, no substitutions!)
1-2 swirls ketchup.
3 squirts mustard juice. (best if found from mustard bottle that has been in the refrigerator for an undetermined length of time)
1 knife glop of mayo.
lots of love.
no money. no standards.

And there you have it; a well balanced meal!

best served with Bordeaux and a DVR'd episode of Studio 60 (how ridiculous was that sassy gay bully who got pushed and then had Nate Corddry arrested? If there is one reason why this show should stay on the air, it's Sorkin's ease in writing sassy, gay bully characters.)




Well, it's 2:26 and I gots to go to bed. Good thing I can drift to sleep knowing that I blog about the important things going on in the world!


**art editor: Brian Belcinski

hallowDUMB

It's now November 1st. Every November 1st I make the same resolution: fuck Halloween. I shall not participate next year. This time I mean it though. Really. I'm boycotting Halloween next year.
It's pathetic--every year its the same routine:
-I think of a brilliant idea for a costume around July or August.
-I don't write it down and forget about it.
-Halloween steadily approaches and I start complaining about how I don't like it and have no costume.
-Someone convinces me to go to a Halloween party and I scrounge around for an idea.
-A brief moment occurs when I start to think, "ok, this might be fun. Maybe I do like Halloween"
-That insanity ends and I'm left hastily putting together a "costume" on the night of Halloween.

Last year I went to a party dressed as "leftovers." I wrapped myself in saran wrap. (which, by the way, is very hot and doesn't breathe). For work, my friend Nairoby and I dressed as Bert and Ernie. She looked like a sunburn and I was wearing a child's shirt from K-mart with a fake mustauche glued to my forehead. Needless to say, we did not win the prize for best costume.

This year I stole my idea for a "costume" from my insanely clever, hilarious friend John Bow. He once went to a Halloween party dressed as "an identity crisis" by putting numerous"hello my name is..." name tags with different names all over his person. I took this idea verbatim and pawned it off as my own. Maybe it was my execution, but I'm pretty sure I just confused people.
Granted, I had loads of fun coming up with different names and writing them on the name tags. Random people like Bob Wright, Tony Shaloub, and Hitler as well as names of people I went to elementary school with; Geoff Lewis and Jesse Lindon--two people I haven't thought about in years, but somehow spontaneously entered my head and, probably to their chagrin, became part of my "costume." I guess I can thank Halloween for that stroll down memory lane. I guess.

So ok, that's fine. I have a "costume", it's cheap, and easy to put together. Done and done, I'm ready to go.

Walking around New York City on Halloween is a joy. A joy similar to the joy you get from singing awful kareoke--It's fun to look at other people and silently judge them, but when it's your turn, you are embarrassed and wish to remain invisible. I walked through the streets of Soha, past the Mamma's Fried Chicken and weird Seafood place, sporting my superiorly clever "costume," walking as fast as I could to the subway.

The subway. A place full of crazies, now heightened by the fact that you can't tell them apart from the "party-goers." Thank god I was able to nestle into the semi-secluded seat next to the wall by the train-conductor door. Of course my nano wasn't working, so I couldn't retreat into my guarded world of ipod-solitude, and I had emptied my bag out in order to make room for the 4 heinekin and 2 bud lights I was contributing to the party, so I had no reading material to distract me either. Just me and everyone else; some dressed up, most not, no one talking. Being in a "costume" by yourself is awkward, people. Sure, its Halloween, so that makes it "okay," but it's still uncomfortable to sit next to some dude with stickers all over his shirt, or some girl dressed as a "Slutty Nurse" or "Slutty Stewardess" or "Slutty Darth Vader"

Seriously, all Halloween is, really, is a giant excuse for girls to look as slutty as possible. This is common knowledge, right? I don't know when it happened, but October 31st, somehow, became the day you ladies decided it was kosher to wipe away all morality, all decency, all that your mothers taught you to be good and true, and replace it with unabashed Whoredom. It's just what you do. Unless you're middle aged. If you're middle aged, you put on a crazy wig and call it a night.

I find the whole holiday just a lot of stress which ultimately leads to a party where people look at your shoddy "costume" with perplexed faces and blank stares. The best part is when your punch line, "I'm an identity crisis," is met with an "oh." In that single, monosyllabic word, all your hard work (1/2 hr and $4.25) goes swirling down the drain, forever lost in the septic tanks of confusion. The thing that made this particular party, though, was Carolyn and Kevin dressed as Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn and seeing them declare whose costume was "in" and who was "out." Carolyn gave a stunning, committed impersonation of Heidi. Kevin broke character a lot...But I guess he can be forgiven. They did not, however, "auf" my costume. Most likely it was only due to the fact that I am their friend.

All in all, it was a good time, don't get me wrong--hanging out on a roof, drinking with friends is fun, I just don't see why everyone feels the need to dress up to do so. "Just don't wear a costume" you might say in a bitchy tone, frustrated that I'm still talking about this. But that is not the answer. No, then I become the lame-o without a costume who is made to wear a wife-beater with "I'm Ugly. I wear this everyday" written on it (true story. they made costume-less people wear that). It's almost as bad and as embarrassing as being the only person at a party in costume. Almost.

No. I think I'll just boycott Halloween. It's easier that way. And this time I mean it... Next Halloween I'm going to stay home and watch FUNNY movies, not scary ones. Eat HEALTHY food, not candy, and wear a t-shirt and jeans which in NO way resembles something abstract and "clever."