An open letter AND "Bangs are for ladies, Clay"

Dear cracked out lady standing outside my building last night at 2 am:

No. I do not want to buy a dresser drawer.

Respectfully yours,

Corey


on another note: I saw Kathy Griffin's stand up show last night! I fucking love that bitch!

Highlights of her show:

American Idol:
allegedly Clay Aiken is an aggressive top.

Seacrest got bitchy and hung up on her in a phone interview (I think there's a clip in the message boards on her website www.kathygriffin.net)

Oprah:
Having James Frey on her show was a bit overboard. Really, it was just to get the message out that "You. Do. Not. Fuck. With. Oprah."

Rufees:
"I never go on dates with out rufees. Sometimes I rufee myself. I wake up the next morning and think 'shit, did I Fuck myself last night? Yeah. I was good' "

Entertaining the Troops overseas:

Kuwait smells like a giant fart. "You can't get away from it. Open a window: fart. Turn on the air: fart. It's like Allah lifted up his leg and farted over the whole country."

So there ya have it. 2 posts in one. I'm efficient.

A (not so short) short story

The train ride from New York to Waterbury, CT is not glamorous. Metronorth is uncomfortable, smells of urine and I don't know who designed the inside--but they should be shot. Dark navy blue, maroon and puke brown? really?! That's the color scheme you come up with?

Going into New Haven isn't too bad. It's pretty much a straight-1 hour 45 min-shot. Sure it's crowded, sure, you don't necessarily know if the guy next to you farted, but whatevs. Put on your ipod, hold your breath and deal with it. Taking the train to Waterbury, however, is a bit more complicated. You have to transfer at Bridgeport and get on another, much smaller, smellier train, where the people are louder, bigger and trashier. I don't say that to be mean--its the truth. There is always at least one grizzly drunk dude wearing a stained tank top and carrying whats left of his six pack, roaming up and down the aisle. It's pleasant.

As if this miserable ride weren't normally enough--this past weekend I got an extra little treat. We were rolling along from Naugatuck, onward towards Waterbury, our final destination....FINALLY. The train comes to a stop and we sit and wait. Living in NYC, this doesn't phase me--I ride the subway every day, and this is nothing out of the norm.

Last Friday, as you may recall if you live in the northeast, was filled with torrential downpours. As we were sitting there, I looked out the window and noticed the muddy brown river the train tracks run next to was angry and woeful and had risen well above its normal level. Milk jugs and other accoutrements of trashiness were being violently tossed downstream. As we continued waiting, my concern was growing.

After about 10 minutes of waiting, the conductor comes on the speaker announcing that the river had washed out the tracks ahead and we couldn't get by.

WHAT? Are you kidding me? What is this, the fucking Oregon Trail? FORGE THAT SHIT!
ugh. So we had to go back to Naugatuck. Fine, whatever, just get me off this train.
We reverse direction and start retracing our path. As I was on the phone with my mom telling her she had to drive to pick me up in Naugatuck, the train stops again.

Fuck me. Yep, you guessed it, the track was now washed out on the other side as well. We were stuck. There I was, trapped inside the vomitous train car with all these other people...Who, at this point, were all talking on their nextel walkie talkies as their children were swinging from the luggage rack. Good times indeed.

While I was slouching in my seat, listening to my ipod, this tall, brutish man walks into the train compartment. He was about 6'3", with unwashed blonde hair down to his shoulders. He was a cross between fabio and dirt.
"Hey everyone, my name is Mike and I'm a fireman from the next town over."
He would be ruggedly attractive, if it weren't for his aura of scuz .
"I know, I don't look like a fireman with my long hair..."
The people on the train laugh as he smiles and pats a small boy on the head in an overly cliched 'everything is gonna be ok, I'm here to help, I'm a fireman' sort of way.
"So the conductors are checking things out right now, but stay calm, everything will be ok. I was just wondering if there were any doctors on board, or anyone with medical experience. I'm just trying to get an idea incase anyone is hurt, or needs anything"
No one responds.
"Ok, if anyone has any problems like asthma or diabetes, let me know" And then as he left everyone in the train gave him a collective "Thank you!" sounding all grateful and appreciative.

I did not say thank you. This guy had been waiting his whole life, watching Steven segal and Harrison ford movies, training for something like this. I saw right through his "I'm a fucking hero" act. Yeah, the thought is nice...I guess....But its a fucking train that's not moving. There was a road and civilization like 1/4 mile away. It wasn't even raining anymore. There was absolutely no danger in this situation what so ever and he's trouncing through this train like he's on a mission to stop some Iraqi insurgent from driving it into the white house.

A few more minutes go by and I see that people are starting to get off the train and walk. Great. Walking. My favorite thing to do. I file in with everyone else as they head to the door. Of course our friend is there, eagerly helping people with the 3 foot jump off the train. I made it a point to jump and land before he could touch me.

I started the journey towards Naugatuck and easily crossed the 3 inch trickling river which would have caused the train to derail. I put in my ipod and tried thinking of positive side of all this:
1. I've never walked along a train track before. I felt like a refugee--not that being a refugee is a positive thing, but in this non-threatening situation, I was able to get the cool image of being a refugee without any of the hardship, despair and pain.

that was really it. I couldn't think of any other positive aspect.

As I'm walking a long the track (which became a little challenge in itself.) I heard someone running up behind me. Before I could even turn around to see who it was, Mike, our hero, trots up next to me.

"hey, just make sure if it gets dark, you stay with the group."

I gave him a look that read "you don't impress me, douche bag. Keep running." and continued on my way. He kept running ahead of me, awkwardly trying not to trip or sprain his ankle, spreading this crucial message to the rest of the group.

The whole journey along the tracks didn't take more than 25 minutes. Not a big deal. While on the last stretch towards Naugatuck I came upon Mike one last time. He was standing in front of a bridge with his shirt off talking on his cell phone. You couldn't fucking wait to brag to your lame friends about how you "saved the day"? The job wasn't even finished yet and you're lounging out, shirtless, by the train tracks! If you're gonna play hero, fucking commit, man!

I finally got to Naugatuck where my mommy was waiting for me (I can say mommy and get away with it cuz I just proved my manliness by surviving this near-death train crash). And that was it. Nothing really too eventful--just a pain in the ass. I wonder if metro north will give Mike an honorary medal or something. He deserves one.

random thing that amused me tonight:

coming into my apartment tonight there is a sheet of paper ductaped to my neighbor's door which reads, in angry handwriting, "DON'T COME IN UNLESS YOU KNOW WHY YOU LIVE HERE!"

DRAMA IN 5C!!!

i only really know the woman who lives there, Bronwyn, but just barely. we've only been introduced once, and casually ran into each other twice. I've actually never seen her husband/boyfriend/dudewholivesthere. Apparently though, Bronwyn was an-gry! i mean she put up that note, didn't she?! at least, i'm assuming it was her. maybe it was him. that would be a fun turn of events.

Either way, twice now i've gotten up to peek out the peep hole hoping to catch a glimpse of some doorway confontation--see him violently rip the note down or just standing there in tears or something. anything really.

nothin' though. whoever was there left before i got to the door. ugh.

Strangers with candy!!

So i went to a screening of this last night and it's amazing! It opens on June 28th in NYC and you should go see it.





Almost as cool as the movie was the after-party. Open bar, buffet and gift bags. It doesn't get much better than that folks. I felt like Kathy Griffin. it was a total d-list party. The only drinks for free were Stoli and Bud light, the buffet consisted of rolls, cheese, pasta and little sandwiches, and the gift bag was just wierd. altoids, tylenol pm, time out ny, and a collection of post cards with hot, half-naked guys on them. i loved every second of it! Sans the awkward 15 minute conversation my friend jeff and i were forced into when these two douchy guys came to talk to us. His pick up line to jeff: "are you a film maker?" the rest of the conversation was painfully awkward. Jeff told him his name was Liam and I declared I was from New Orleans. He asked for Jeff's screen name to which he replied "my computer's broken." Ya know, its really hard being this attractive. Sometimes i just want privacy.

the ethics of blogging

This is the comment i recieved after writing the commentary on the defying gravity lip synching video:

Hi there, this is the he.(she)? in the video Defying Gravity!! Wow...first of
all thanks for writing a blog about me!! that's really cool! Yes some might
say to do it in the privacy of my own home and then burn the tape!! but
life's to short to burn tapes!!! this video goes out to anyone who did the
same thing and was to embarassed...!! Just DO IT! Thanks again for the blog!
and PS...I'm a guy!

um. okay.

Not gonna lie, this took me by surprise. First of all, who knew people could track you down if you take their clip on youtube. i mean, it makes sense, i just never thought of it.

Secondly-- i openly mocked that video calling it "embarassing", "tingly", "a monstrosity", "priceless", "lame", "crazy", and "great fodder for my blog", not to mention my running joke about the ambiguity of his sex: and he doesn't seem to care!

Me, being the kind, good natured boy who believes in the innate goodness of people, felt badly and I took some time to reflect on the ethical questions of having a blog. After those five minutes of deep thought, I came to a few conclusions:

1. my blog is reaching into the deep corners of the cyber-world--well beyond my intended 2 readers (holla at ya Courtney and Beneatha!!!)

2. who am I to openly mock a fellow human being and post it for all the world to see?

3. I shouldn't post any more videos of people singing/dancing/lip synching/doing other things that are funny and embarassing to themselves.

after coming to those conclusions, I then pondered some more:

4. wait a minute--THEY'RE the ones that are putting it up there to share

5. (after re-reading his comment) he's PROUD of his video

re-examining my initial conclusions:

6. yes, my blog still is reaching out to the depths of cyber-space---that conclusion is happily un-changed.

7. who am i to openly mock a fellow human being? Well i was a fat kid who battled the torment of elementary and middle school--so i do have somewhat of a right. but more importantly--i'm NOT mocking. People videotape and post these videos willingingly and are proud of them--so who am I to deny the world of their work?

8. It is the duty of this blog to post more videos of people singing/dancing/lip synching/doing other things that are funny and embarassing to themselves. No more will their hours of preperation, filming and editing go unnoticed.

In conclusion--Josh: I thank you tremendously for finding this blog, and writing your comment! And you keep doin' what you're doin' man! I think we should all heed Josh's advice and "just DO it"--meaning make our own videos and post them on youtube. Seriously--make your own video and i'll put it on this blog and then write about you. who wouldn't want that?

PS. Josh--i apologize for not knowing if you were a boy or girl. i know that pain: one time when i was fat and in need of a haircut, my mom and i went to a chinese restaurant and the waitress asked my mom "is this your daughter?" i tried to awkwardly laugh it off...but i'm pretty sure i cried. in hindsight though, isn't me mistaking you for a girl a compliment? it means that you you were totally transformed in what you were doing. no? i'm an ass? ok.

a short list of things that are pissing me off:

1. the fact that it is a painful 86-unairconditioned-degrees in my office and the simple, non-energy-asserting act of sitting at my desk is making me sweat.

2. in a moment of drunken retardation this weekend, i threw out my last pair of contact lenses.

3. I was really hoping they'd get us Cosi for lunch today at work...but we got pizza. don't get me wrong, it was good pizza and it was free--i was just looking foward to a sandwich.

Defying heterosexuality

ugh. damn you blogger. I wrote a hilarious post...Which to the dismay of me and my readers (all two of them--what up mom and her friend from work!) was erased. So I'll have to rewrite it...it WON'T be as funny though. Really. The other one was insanely funny. I peed twice while writing it.

ANYWAY. In an attempt to find something as embarrassing as the two queens singing wicked in a parking lot--I scoured youtube for something equally tingly (tingly is a word my friend Lindsey introduced me to describing that feeling you get when you're super embarrassed for someone else.) After some time, and some excellent possibilities, I settled on this monstrosity. Granted, it's not AS funny as our two friends who give gays and musical theater a bad name, this is still pretty priceless. I think I blew my comedy wad by posting the other video first, but whatever. This guy (or is it a girl, I'm not really sure) is AMAZING.



Now what gets me in this video, isn't the fact that he (or she?) is so into it he (or she?) actually believes they're on stage at the Gershwin. It's the fact that he (or she?) is SO into it, he (or she?) took the time to pick out a dress in his (her?) mom's closet, find a black wig from the Halloween box in the attic, rummage through all the make up in the house so he (she?) could cover his (her?) face in green eye shadow, and then paint pointy eyebrows (seriously, that's at least a 45 minute make up job). And that was just pre-production. He/She THEN spent at least an hour setting up the camera and making sure the lighting was good. rigging the stereo and cuing the CD to the right spot, followed by a couple good hours of filming. The post production then consisted of choosing the best shots and EDITING them together and synching up the sound. Now that is crazy as it is, but this guy/girl is a professional. for him/her, the plain video will not suffice. No. He/she needs computerized credits introducing him. her.

I am not one to judge. I did some pretty lame things as a kid (including, but not limited to: turning my sun room into a theater by rigging a curtain using fishing line, bed sheets, and duct tape; and dancing to Janet Jackson in my driveway as my mom secretly watched from my bedroom window.) BUT in no way would I EVER videotape this and post it for the whole world to see! C'mon dude, show some class! This is shit you do in the privacy of your own home, when no one is there. if you DO make a video of it, you destroy it. Clearly. ugh. When will these kids learn.

in the meantime I can't really complain, its giving me great fodder for my blog.

i am NOT a barista

i don't get it. we have a nice big coffee machine in our little office-kitchenette that looks to be quite easy-to-use. ("looks to be" being the key phrase in that sentence.) all you have to do is put in a filter, open and pour in a packet of Dunkin' Donuts coffee (conveniently measured to the right amount), place the whosewhatzit back in the machine and click the "brew" button. easy enough, right? well why is it, then, whenever i "brew" the coffee myself it comes out tasting like unshowered ass?! and i mean like EVERY time i make it. what am i doing wrong here?! there is not that much room for error--they designed it to be that way.

jon suggested maybe it is the water that is funky. i disagree. although jon knows his coffee and the mechanics of brewing it, i have a feeling he's trying to comfort me, because it tastes fine whenever someone else makes it--and i've watched them do it too, so i know they're not doing anything different.

granted its not really that big a deal; i don't have any aspirations to work at starbucks or some trendy cafe. but it would just be nice to be able to brew a decent cup of dunkin' donuts bagged coffee that I can be proud of and share with the rest of my co-workers on the 9th floor. but no, i'm not proud. i'm embarrassed. and after i taste my god-awful concauction, i have to run away in fear of people coming after me because they think that instead of brewing coffee, i took a shit in the coffee pot, poured boiling water over it, and stirred it with a spoon...

as if my life wasn't filled with enough rejection, now the god damned coffee machine has to assert its power over me and tell me "NO." fine. i'm ok with that. from here on out i WILL NOT make coffee. if the pot is empty, i will drink tea.

on a happier note--one of my supervisors gave my co-worker and i $10 to go buy candy (my job is really demanding). we spent all $10, clearly, on peanut m&m's, rolos, and the assorment bag of hershy's, krackle and mr. goodbar. Candy is good to me. Candy won't reject me. Candy loves me.

This makes me feel better about myself

This is maybe the most hilariously sad thing i've ever seen. i get sweaty with embarrassment for both of these guys. (ironically enough, i'm more embarrassed for the guy WITHOUT the blonde wig)

this is the blurb he wrote about it:

me and a friend in a random parking lot with a blond wig, broom, and bed
sheet.....yes actually us singing and cracking up....i really am better than in
the video i am singing elphie! hahah oh and fyi this is about 4 days after my
wisdom teeth were taken out and this is NOT how i really sing lol

a blog? really?

So this whole blog is a fluke. all i really wanted to do was comment on carolyn's blog , but in order to do so, it made me start my own. so here we are. but then i thought: "well this will kill some time at work. and i read other people's blogs, so why not have my own." it'll probably last a few days--a week at most--when i realize that writing on this and having no one read it is quite pointless.

until then though: here are some alternate names for my new blog...courtesy of carolyn:

BoyMeetsWorld
Corey'sStory
Kori<3
THE CORE
Core Entertainment
aka Core E
So Now I'm a Blogger and Gay
So No-Corey-Us