As you're flipping through the channels, figuring out what to watch this Saturday night (let's be honest...you don't have any plans...) you may come across a familiar staple in late night programming: Saturday Night Live.
You may decide to watch said program, and if you do, you may notice something. Someone. "Who is that guy awkwardly dancing in a club behind Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, and Kristen Wiig?"
Why yes, it is true. Your eyes do not deceive you; it is I, Corey Johnson, dancing awkwardly at said "club". I just want to throw this out there: I don't like going out to clubs and dancing. Unless I'm wasted I find it painful and arduous--constantly thinking, "do I look idiotic?" But...As an actor, it was my duty to dance and I fulfilled it, but I bed you, please do not judge me; dancing to "Let's get retarded in here" at 10am is not the easiest of tasks, especially for a white boy with no funk. I tried to put on my best "sexy club face", but I think what I managed looks more like an "unsexy down syndrome face."
Most of the commercial parody takes place in an office--an environment which requires no funk and plenty of white; much more comfortable for me. If you're lucky, maybe you'll see me brush by Amy Poehler and Bill Hader. If you're really on the look out, maybe you'll see me way in the back leading "a meeting" in the conference room. In any of those scenarios I look fantastic and completely at ease.
It's just the damn club scene. I've always said that as far as background work is concerned, a club scene would be, by far, the hardest and most uncomfortably awkward experience. Clearly, the fact that it was SNL and included actors whom I believe to be comedic geniuses helped quell my graceless insecurities, but that doesn't efface the few seconds of footage that will be broadcast on national TV featuring my artless bouncing and humping.
So fair warning. Tune in on Saturday night, or not. I don't care. Just don't mock my clubbing ineptitude.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Like a moth to a flame, potential predators can't stay away
Ok, so I don't know about you, but my roommates and I are addicted to the Dateline NBC specials, To Catch a Predator. Let's just say thank god for DVR because what else would we have watched after we got bored with the first 15 minutes of Showtime at the Apollo?! (which, by the way, is worthy of its own blog entry. We'll see if I get around to that) For those of you who haven't seen this amazingness, you are missing out on the creepiest entertainment in television.
Basically what happens is Dateline and Perverted Justice-- a group dedicated to catching dudes who wanna do 13 year olds (it's always dudes. never women. C'mon ladies, why don't you wanna get your freak on?) pose as underage guys and gals in chatrooms and wait for lonely people with sexual issues to start talking to them...and they always do. These guys chat with the decoy about all the "sexy things" they want to do with them, and then end up coming over to the kid's house where Dateline's own Chris Hanson pops out and scares the living Jesus out of them.
Watching people being confronted with their dirty dirty secret is absurdly entertaining and joyously fascinating; as is watching a person encounter the impending doom their life is about to be enveloped in and watching as they struggle and squirm their way out, defending the fact that they traveled to some kid's house in order to touch them inappropriately.
As if being caught and labeled a pedophile on national TV isn't enough, they have to deal with Chris Hanson being a huge dick, rubbing their stupidity in their fat faces. Chris Hanson doesn't just interview them and ask them what they're doing, oh no. He is keen on debasing them as much as possible. The decoy (an actor or actress hired to play the sexy 13 yr old) ushers the plausible predator onto the patio, offering frozen lemonade and making small talk while Chris Hanson steadily waits, ready to pounce from behind a wall with some witty, condescending comment. Clever quips that rival Shakespeare.
Decoy: I'm gonna go change, but I've got a surprise for you!
Potential Predator: Oh yeah?
Chris Hanson: (snooty and complaisant) I'm probably not the surprise you were looking for...
Decoy: So how was your ride?
Potential Predator: (sipping his frozen lemonade) Oh, I missed my train first, then I missed my bus.**
Decoy: Oh no. But you got here, that's the good part.
Chris Hanson: (heroically patronizing) So you had quite the commute today, huh? Why don't you have a seat over there. Enjoying your drink?
Decoy: Hey I made you some lemonade, sit down for me. I'm gonna go change into my bathing suite.
Potential Predator: (holds arms open expressing desire for a hug)
Decoy: Hang on, you gotta be patient for that!
Potential Predator: Just a hug?
Chris Hanson: (valiant and a little gay) No hug for me?
**uh, yeah, you read right; this guy took a train, a bus, and a taxi in order to get some 13 year old lovin'. Not a fun day for him. Missing your train: 1hr of your life. Missing your bus: 2.5 hours of your life. Being caught red-handed by a national television show and arrested for the intent to have sex with a minor: Priceless.
What a fun job Chris Hanson has, no? He gets to be super douchey, armed with sexual IM transcripts and make these perverts feel as awkward as possible. He reads back what these people wrote online in a stern, matter-of-fact way that makes everyone involved feel uncomfortable and funny.
"'what is your bra size?'
'31 B, but its kind of big on me.'
'I want to kiss them'"
Hearing Chris Hanson read, "I want to kiss them" when referring to 13 year old boobs is hilarious.
It's staggering to see the amount and types of people who eagerly show up to have relations with a 13 year old stranger they meet online. Sure, there are some creepy lookin' dudes who really couldn't be anything other than a pedophile; but for the most part these guys are doctors, teachers, rabbi, computer engineers, and young professionals you wouldn't think twice about. But you should think twice about them because they are diddling their diddles while thinking of YOUR PRETEENS!
These are some of their brilliantly clever screennames they use:
Joseph_roisman2000
IamKanishk
These two are probably the cleverest of all--honestly, when stalking and preying on underage children online, you really couldn't have taken the time to come up with a screen name that didn't include your actual name?
The others are a bit more creative:
Persuasion2032
Cognizance26
Hennessy1436
xclusivelyinit
talldreamy_doc
toofast4yall2003
gross and gross.
I really just don't comprehend how people still keep doing this shit! I mean Dateline has done like 37 of these specials. Get a clue, you're not gonna get away with it. Almost half of the guys caught say something like "I knew this was gonna happen." "I was expecting this." or "Yeah, I've watched the Dateline special." And still, there they are, blue-balled by Chris Hanson and the police ready to tackle them outside. I just don't get it. There are more than enough lonely people online who are of age that would be very happy to get your attention.
Here's a little taste of what this whole thing is if you haven't seen it. This may be the best one of all, actually. This is Talldreamy_doc, a 48 year old "cancer doctor" who pretended he was 29. The best part is when the douchebag spills the lemonade and gets all angry about it. The second best part is when he's nabbed by the cops and gets all angry about it. The third best part is when he turns into a giant pussy and goes down crying.
Basically what happens is Dateline and Perverted Justice-- a group dedicated to catching dudes who wanna do 13 year olds (it's always dudes. never women. C'mon ladies, why don't you wanna get your freak on?) pose as underage guys and gals in chatrooms and wait for lonely people with sexual issues to start talking to them...and they always do. These guys chat with the decoy about all the "sexy things" they want to do with them, and then end up coming over to the kid's house where Dateline's own Chris Hanson pops out and scares the living Jesus out of them.
Watching people being confronted with their dirty dirty secret is absurdly entertaining and joyously fascinating; as is watching a person encounter the impending doom their life is about to be enveloped in and watching as they struggle and squirm their way out, defending the fact that they traveled to some kid's house in order to touch them inappropriately.
As if being caught and labeled a pedophile on national TV isn't enough, they have to deal with Chris Hanson being a huge dick, rubbing their stupidity in their fat faces. Chris Hanson doesn't just interview them and ask them what they're doing, oh no. He is keen on debasing them as much as possible. The decoy (an actor or actress hired to play the sexy 13 yr old) ushers the plausible predator onto the patio, offering frozen lemonade and making small talk while Chris Hanson steadily waits, ready to pounce from behind a wall with some witty, condescending comment. Clever quips that rival Shakespeare.
Decoy: I'm gonna go change, but I've got a surprise for you!
Potential Predator: Oh yeah?
Chris Hanson: (snooty and complaisant) I'm probably not the surprise you were looking for...
Decoy: So how was your ride?
Potential Predator: (sipping his frozen lemonade) Oh, I missed my train first, then I missed my bus.**
Decoy: Oh no. But you got here, that's the good part.
Chris Hanson: (heroically patronizing) So you had quite the commute today, huh? Why don't you have a seat over there. Enjoying your drink?
Decoy: Hey I made you some lemonade, sit down for me. I'm gonna go change into my bathing suite.
Potential Predator: (holds arms open expressing desire for a hug)
Decoy: Hang on, you gotta be patient for that!
Potential Predator: Just a hug?
Chris Hanson: (valiant and a little gay) No hug for me?
**uh, yeah, you read right; this guy took a train, a bus, and a taxi in order to get some 13 year old lovin'. Not a fun day for him. Missing your train: 1hr of your life. Missing your bus: 2.5 hours of your life. Being caught red-handed by a national television show and arrested for the intent to have sex with a minor: Priceless.
What a fun job Chris Hanson has, no? He gets to be super douchey, armed with sexual IM transcripts and make these perverts feel as awkward as possible. He reads back what these people wrote online in a stern, matter-of-fact way that makes everyone involved feel uncomfortable and funny.
"'what is your bra size?'
'31 B, but its kind of big on me.'
'I want to kiss them'"
Hearing Chris Hanson read, "I want to kiss them" when referring to 13 year old boobs is hilarious.
It's staggering to see the amount and types of people who eagerly show up to have relations with a 13 year old stranger they meet online. Sure, there are some creepy lookin' dudes who really couldn't be anything other than a pedophile; but for the most part these guys are doctors, teachers, rabbi, computer engineers, and young professionals you wouldn't think twice about. But you should think twice about them because they are diddling their diddles while thinking of YOUR PRETEENS!
These are some of their brilliantly clever screennames they use:
Joseph_roisman2000
IamKanishk
These two are probably the cleverest of all--honestly, when stalking and preying on underage children online, you really couldn't have taken the time to come up with a screen name that didn't include your actual name?
The others are a bit more creative:
Persuasion2032
Cognizance26
Hennessy1436
xclusivelyinit
talldreamy_doc
toofast4yall2003
gross and gross.
I really just don't comprehend how people still keep doing this shit! I mean Dateline has done like 37 of these specials. Get a clue, you're not gonna get away with it. Almost half of the guys caught say something like "I knew this was gonna happen." "I was expecting this." or "Yeah, I've watched the Dateline special." And still, there they are, blue-balled by Chris Hanson and the police ready to tackle them outside. I just don't get it. There are more than enough lonely people online who are of age that would be very happy to get your attention.
Here's a little taste of what this whole thing is if you haven't seen it. This may be the best one of all, actually. This is Talldreamy_doc, a 48 year old "cancer doctor" who pretended he was 29. The best part is when the douchebag spills the lemonade and gets all angry about it. The second best part is when he's nabbed by the cops and gets all angry about it. The third best part is when he turns into a giant pussy and goes down crying.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
umm...
It's 1:37 am and The Electric Slide is blaring on the streets of harlem...
ok. now its gansta rap. that's better.
ok. now its gansta rap. that's better.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
A word of advice when traveling by Greyhound Bus:
1. Pretend not to notice or care that your driver has a lazy eye.
2. Put all your belongings in the seat next to you; that way when someone walks by looking at it expectantly, you can ignore them by furiously rummaging through all your crap.
3. Don't let it bother you if an elderly couple has to sit separately because there are no 2 seats together. Don't get up and move. You deserve to sit by yourself!
4. You can't really be too upset and inconvenienced if your bus has to stop and pick up stranded passengers from another greyhound bus, disabled on the side of the highway. You can blame God, but not the stranded passengers...Most likely its not their fault.
5. Ignore the movie "Blade" that is soul-suckingly blaring on all the TVs.
6. When your bus pulls into a rest stop in Wallingford, CT (a town that last I heard still has an active KKK chapter), know that NONE of the vending machines work; so no, you can't buy a bottle of water.
7. And finally, be glad that you sprung for the extra $10 so you didn't have to take the Fung Wah...and catch asian bird flu....again.
2. Put all your belongings in the seat next to you; that way when someone walks by looking at it expectantly, you can ignore them by furiously rummaging through all your crap.
3. Don't let it bother you if an elderly couple has to sit separately because there are no 2 seats together. Don't get up and move. You deserve to sit by yourself!
4. You can't really be too upset and inconvenienced if your bus has to stop and pick up stranded passengers from another greyhound bus, disabled on the side of the highway. You can blame God, but not the stranded passengers...Most likely its not their fault.
5. Ignore the movie "Blade" that is soul-suckingly blaring on all the TVs.
6. When your bus pulls into a rest stop in Wallingford, CT (a town that last I heard still has an active KKK chapter), know that NONE of the vending machines work; so no, you can't buy a bottle of water.
7. And finally, be glad that you sprung for the extra $10 so you didn't have to take the Fung Wah...and catch asian bird flu....again.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Bringin' it back
"He looked crazy with his stupid Hitler moustache--Not that I don't support bringing the Hitler moustache back, but..."
--Courtney Lauria on Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers
--Courtney Lauria on Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers
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