Endorsements

I, Corey Johnson, as editor-in-chief/CEO/President/and Lord High Priestess of Umm...i didn't know i was starting a blog, would like to endorse the following things:

REBECCA DRYSDALE: One Woman in Several Pieces


Named by Variety as one of "the top 10 comics to watch" this woman is making waves. At least I think so. Her show is a mix of several vignettes that range in style from low-brow sketch, to limit-pushing, issue driven satire. The conglomeration of material gives a sense of who this young comedian is, and what she has to say. With songs titled, "when can we make fun of 9/11" and a rap comprised solely from 3 words--one of which being 'nigga', this show puts issues on the table people normally shy away from. Drysdale forces her audience to look at what makes them uncomfortable and dissect it a new light--a comedic light. I believe laughter is a common denominator between people, so what better way to discuss and examine issues that affect us all?

Rebecca Drysdale: one woman in several pieces
plays at the UCB Theater for only one more performance.
This Friday, August 25th at 8pm, $8
www.ucbtheater.com


LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Go see this movie. That's really all there is to it. One of the best films of the year, it is a heartwarming, hilarious, story that is superbly written with across-the-board brilliant, touching performances. Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano, Abigail Breslin, and Alan Arkin = magic. Cinematic magic.

I don't know how many theaters it is playing in right now, but it is worth the research and a 2 hour drive. Yes...A 2 hour drive...Even with the price of gas.

HUMMUS


OK. So i know that hummus is no secret and nothing new...In fact I've been eating for years. But its so god damn good people, i must endorse it. If you have never had hummus, A. i would like to know who you are. And B. Please go out and buy it. i suggest Tribe of Two Shields Roasted Red Pepper or (my newly found favorite) Scallion. Goes best with wheat thins. Seriously, its the perfect snack--or in some cases, breakfast.





REGINA SPEKTOR'S 'BEGIN TO HOPE'




If I was crafty and blogger-savvy enough, I would figure out a way to upload some sample songs so you could hear the magnificence of this album. Its quirky, folky, poetic, bold and diverse. Go to her Myspace page and take a gander. Can you take a gander at music? I don't really know what the phrase 'take a gander' actually means...disregard. Listen to the album. ALSO she is playing here in NYC at Town Hall on September 27th--who wants to go?? More importantly, who will buy my ticket??





NOW FOR SOME THINGS THIS BLOG DOES NOT ENDORSE:




Paris Hilton's new self-titled album


I haven't listened to this. I don't ever really want to. And I don't think we should add to this ho's wallet by shelling out $10 on itunes to listen to her try to sound sexy.

"I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good." She says talking up her debut album, Paris, to Blender magazine.

So do we Paris. so. do. we.





THIS KID IN MY OFFICE

For annonyminity (sp?) sake, I'm using this stick figure in lieu of an actual photograph.

He totally snubbed me just now when i was walking to the bathroom. As I opened the door to the stairwell i said, "Hey, how's it goin'?" He looked me up and down and kept on walking completely ignoring my very casual, benevolent greeting. Ew. Who do you think you are? done and done. i DO NOT endorse him

brilliance

Sometimes when I feel the need to update this thing, but have nothing specific to say, I just start writing and something magically appears. We all know how that turns out: Random ass ramblings and Google images of Father Time....oh boy. This post will not turn out that way. No. This uninspired rant will be brilliant. It will change the way you think about your meaningless life. It will give meaning to the way you think. I might go so far as to say it will be gold. Pure. Orgasmic. Fart-ripping gold.

are you ready?

I'm gonna go ahead and answer that for you: I don't think you are. I don't think you're ready for what is about to astound you. I don't think you are nearly in the right frame of mind to laugh as hard as you will laugh, or to shed the salty tears you will cry. My words will seep deep into your black soul and enrich it with bursts of colors unimaginable to the petty human eye. Will you be able to handle that? I don't know. That's not for me to decide. What I do know is that I will touch you. I will touch you in places you haven't been touched in for quite some time--those dark, trenchy places you've been waiting for someone to unlock for years upon years. This blog holds the key--are you willing to open that endless treasure of suppressed emotion?

You and your pessimism. Don't think I don't know what you're saying, "What treasure is he talking about?" "This is weird." and "Can I ever get this time back?" Go fuck yourself. With a pitchfork. You people and your lies. You disgust me.

I'm sorry. That....that was uncalled for. Please keep reading. I promise you the most glorious, awe-inspiring, sensational reward you can imagine. What you are about to read will affect you in a way that makes God looking you in the eye telling you your His most glorious creation seem as impressive as a used condom lying limply on the floor. Still don't believe me? Fine. I'll tell you something though--the people who read the first draft of what you are about to read were blown away. They were heard saying things like, "My life now has clarity and purpose" and "This blog entry should be considered the most important piece of post-civil war literature in the American cannon"

I don't want to build it up too much. We all know what its like when you have high expectations that aren't met. Wait. Hahaha. Who am I kidding? I don't have to worry about that. My brilliance knows no un-met expectations. I could be a blind, limbless oaf typing with my tongue and create something that would be taught in 9th grade english classes for centuries...Nay...MILLENNIA. That's right, my tongue has more talent than your "published" name or your "inspired and creative" heart. Oh, I feel sad for you. When I think about you and all that you aren't doing with your life, it almost makes me want to weep--if I actually cared, perhaps I would be shedding actual tears...But I don't, so I remain dry. Oh, how I wish I could share even just the slenderest slice of my burgeoning talent. If I could package it up with a crisply tied bow and give it to you for your birthday--I would. I'm generous like that. But much like love, happiness, and gut-renching jealousy, talent is intangible--so you shall remain talentless, for I cannot break some of mine off and feed it to you.

I can only hope you have mentally prepared yourself for this, the second coming of Christ (in blog form). By reading this you have legally agreed that ummm....i didn't know i was starting a blog or any of its contributors shall have no accountability or hold any responsibility for any and all consequences of its forthcoming magnificence. In layman's terms--if your brain explodes from me blowin' your mind--I ain't payin' for the cleaners.

And finally, before we depart towards the heaven that is this entry--try to use your upcoming, new found wisdom for good. Let these words be a mirror in which you can hold up to yourself to see the inner beauty that resides deep, deep, deep inside you. Buried way down in there under all those layers of ugly. It's a tiny glimmer which I shall help illuminate and foster into a radiating beam of perfection shining with the intensity of the sun.

You should be ready.

Here we go.



There is no stopping it now.





PREPARE YE!!!!!!!




ahem...


ok....


alright. lets see....

OK:

Today for lunch I had 1/2 of a leftover burritto. I got it last night and only ate half so i could have the other 1/2 today for lunch. I wanted to eat the whole thing---

Ok. wait. that's no good. ok. wow. ha. Its harder to rock your mind than I thought it would be, ya know?...

OK. I'm warmed up now. Let us try this again:

Sometimes i sit here at work and think, "wow, i really have to go to pee...But i just went like five minutes ago." Isn't that funny...?

Alright. Ya know what?!

Clearly I am subconsciously not letting my genius be wasted on you. ha. I should have known. You talentless hacks are draining me. I'm gonna go--you'll have to resign yourself to a life sans my life-changing masterpiece.

It's awkward when...

You say "you're welcome" to someone and then realize they never said "Thank you" to begin with.

It seems to happen to me at work alot--as I'm hanging up with a customer, I automatically say "you're welcome" after they have said "have a nice day" or "ok, bye". I hang up quickly so the awkward moment doesn't linger.

Ya know what though? these people SHOULD say 'Thank You.' It's common courtesy.

Next time, I'm just going to keep repeating "You're welcome....ahem....You're welcome...you. are. welcome" until they finally say "thank you", and then hang up. Yeah. That'll be super awkward...but worth it.

Fat Kid Series--Part 2

In this next installment of "Corey Johnson: Growing up fat" we shall explore the effects of parental abuse. I'm not talking about dateline-style parental abuse--although this one incident was caught on tape, Stone Phillips was not there.

There is a certain home video circa 1986-87 that still, to this day, makes me cry. (ok. I'm being overly dramatic. I don't cry....anymore....)

In this video, in which my mom is the camera-person, you see my plump, 4-ft body trying to do a somersault. That's right folks, a somersault. There ain't nothing funnier than a fat kid trying to flip his body over onto the uncushioned carpet of the living room floor. Gut hanging out, sweatpant elastic stretched to its limits--hilarious, right? Apparently my mom thought so--as I'm breaking a sweat, trying to get the momentum to plop over, my mom shouts words of encouragement through her laughter, "C'mon Fatso! Get that rump over!"

Come on fat-so. Get that rump over.

Thanks mom.**

I think I was too involved with the efforts of being physical to actually hear what she said at the time--but that was not the case when I was watching home videos with friends about 7 years later. As a very self-conscious 11 yr old, stumbling across this video amongst my peers was devastating. I tried laughing it off, but as my friends cackled away and demanded the clip be rewound, the facade that was my jovial laughter could not hold back the roaring river of pathetic, emotional tears. I probably made it to the bathroom in time so my friends didn't see me openly weep--but I'm sure they were on to me. Between awkwardly hiding my face as I rushed to the bathroom and then coming back with all red and puffy, they probably figured it out. Ugh, why was I so lame as a kid?

**A word on my mom:
Mary LOVES me. I don't care that she ridiculed me and called out my inabilities while catching it all on tape. I don't care that she, with a single phrase, stunted my emotional growth. I'm ok with it. really, I am.....(runs to bathroom to hide tears)

No, I'm totes JKing (Mom, if you're reading this--that is the hip terminology for 'totally just kidding'. It's what the kids are sayin' now a days) My mom is the best and much cooler than yours---so she can call me whatever she wants. Besides...She was fat too.

In conclusion, I would like to sum up my feelings on this situation using this clip from Family Guy:

Reason Global Warming Sucks #53

It's hot out.

Like shiv-ya-in-the-groin, piss-on-your-face hot.

Now they say this heat wave has "ended", but i don't believe them. no. no, when i can sit in my livingroom without getting swamp-ass, THEN we shall declare the heat wave over.


i'm just sayin'