Monday, January 29, 2007

You Can Do Better Than This: Betty White

This is the first installment of a new series entitled, "You Can Do Better Than This!"

Spotlight: Betty White

Commercials for 1-800-PetMeds is the best her agents could get her? C'mon, there's gotta be a better vehicle for her talent.

My proposals for new Betty White-driven sitcoms:

1. Betty plays a former prostitute turned elementary school teacher. Hilarity ensues as she desperately tries to keep her students and colleagues from knowing her past as it slowly creeps back into her life.

2. Betty plays a former prostitute who becomes legal guardian of her grandson after his parents die. Hilarity ensues as they butt heads and learn to live together in the same house.

3. Betty plays a former prostitute who is desperate to get back in the game. Hilarity ensues as she hits the streets and learns how to turn tricks in the 21st century.


Call me, Betty! We'll work something out!

Friday, January 26, 2007

What are YOU doing next friday?!?!?!


Friday, February 2nd




10:30pm




The official debut of:


LORETTA!

She is lonely, unfortunate-looking, and a comedic genius

LORETTA! is:

Brian Belcinski
Kevin R. Free
Corey Johnson
Chris Kelly
Cody Lindquist
Katie Schorr

Come check out our improv show and be amazed and dazzled by our talent, good looks and humility.

Friday, Feb 2nd
10:30 pm
Under St. Marks
94 St. Marks Place (between 1st Ave and Ave A)
Opening for the UCB house teams

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Tag....

Let me first start this off by saying I do not like Tag. I was fat as a kid, so the whole running thing was not an activity I enjoyed, and let's be honest--there's not much more to the game of tag besides the running. If I had to pick a favorite type of tag to play it would probably be Freeze Tag because at least in this version you got a little break every now and then. You could wait there and catch your breath until someone crawled under your legs or some shit like that.

Apparently the game of tag is making it's way around the blogosphere and I, ladies and gentlemen, am it. Katie Schorr "tagged" me to list 5 things you don't know about myself. This is a much easier game of tag, in my opinion.

1. When I was a kid, I LOVED Janet Jackson. The cassette tape of Control was a permanent fixture in my walkman. One afternoon I was out on my driveway listening to this tape; listening and dancing. My driveway was a stage and I was pouring my soul out into my clumsy, thrashing, chunky dance moves. It was intense, I was sweating, but loving every second of it. After about 15 or 20 minutes of my solo concert, I look up to see that my Mom had been watching me from my bedroom window for God knows how long. I got so upset and embarrassed and yelled at her as I threw off my headphones and walked into the garage to hide from my sole audience member.

2. I kind of want to be a pilot.

3. I hate Best Buy and want to start a nation-wide boycott that puts them out of business. Seriously, those fuckers don't know how to fix a computer and have the worst customer service. ever. That's right, I would even go so far to say their customer service is worse than Time Warner Cable....And Time Warner is about as helpful as a monkey holding its dick. So if I start a petition, will you sign it?

4. I read Chris Kelly's 5 things, as he was tagged by Katie as well, and was surprised to see that one of his items was similar to mine. His was that he always pictured his life as a TV show. Mine is that I thought my life was just like The Truman Show. This was way before the movie came out though; I totally thought (not constantly, but every now and then) that I was being filmed and everyone in my life was an actor. Everything that I had experienced was carefully planned and scripted: my parents, family vacations, and even me riding my bike around the neighborhood. The entirety of elementary school was one big, choreographed movement sequence. A slight variant on this imagining was that I had a horrible, deadly disease and no one told me, but everyone in the world had gathered together to create the life that I knew. So every stranger, teacher, friend or foe knew who I was, and that I was dying and wanted to help create this epic masterpiece that was my life.

When I saw the first preview for The Truman Show, I freaked out a little and thought, "hey, maybe it was true. Maybe this is their film-with-in-a-film way of telling me what was going on." I soon realized that I wasn't the center of the universe and no one really knew or cared who I was...

5. I am a convicted rapist.


just kidding.

the real 5. I was potty trained at a normal age, however I refused to go poop on the toilet and MADE my mom put a diaper on me every time I had to poop. I don't know how old I was when I finally shat on the toilet...but it was probably a year or 2 past "normal." My mom finally put her foot down when diapers didn't fit my pudgy body anymore and said to me, "No. You have to go poop on the toilet." I then waited 3 days, holding it in, until I finally succumbed to the building pressure and made the giant step towards adulthood.

Now it's my turn to tag people:

Lauri

Courtney

Carolyn

Brian (i don't know your last name but your blog is named countdown to 28)

Daniel Vosovic (okay...so the likely hood of Daniel Vosovic from project runway reading this and seeing that he has been tagged is not likely...in fact near impossible... but I'm still tagging him.)

YOU'S IT BITCHES!!!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

My favorite part of the Golden Globes:

Tim Allen, in his drunken splendor, making a shout out to Galaxy Quest while announcing the nominees for best actor.

Classy Tim.

The sad part was the pride he still had for this movie. Granted, Galaxy Quest is fucking Awesome and it deserves pride(if you haven't seen it, put it on your netflix queue, stat), but the highlight of ones career? A film that needs to be remembered 8 years after on national TV in a booze-inspired exaltation? No, probably not. And the fact that he had to show his connection to Tony Shaloub as if to say, "yeah, I know one of the guys nominated!!! wooooooooo!!! I'm not washed up!!!!!!! YEAH!!!" It's laughably pathetic. Tim Allen is Hollywoods drunk uncle they are forced to see on holidays.

And who did he present with? Was it Vanessa Williams? He made some awfully awkward comment about how "if beauty was a minute, she'd be the longest day of the year." Or something equally as lame. We totally witnessed one of those old-guy-at-the-bar-hitting-on-someone-COMPLETELY-out-of-his-league moments..except it was on stage at the golden globes. hilarious.

But really. Go and watch Galaxy Quest



Help support this man's career...we don't want another one of these:

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I am in the house...

My roommates and I were flipping through channels last night and came across the new Disney Show, "Cory in the House."

Whaaaaat?

Okay, first of all, they spelled my name wrong. Second of all, what in God's good name is this?

There was a brief concern that this may actually be a reality show that has hidden camera footage of me bumming around my apartment--watching TV in my underwear, going to the bathroom, sleeping, etc. This, however, was not the case. No, the stuff they actually put on TV is far far worse. Take a look at the opening credits--You will begin to understand what this show is about.

Yeah. Cory's dad gets hired as the Presidents personal chef and they move into the White House. Cory lives in the White House. Clever, no? And, oh how this series is ripe with an unimaginable amount of situation comedy. For one, Cory has to contend with the hijinks of the President's adorably bratty 8 year old daughter; he also must grow accustomed to the stuffy air of private school that is so foreign to his urban upbringing. The possibilities are endless.

Upon further research, I was very surprised to learn that this is not an original idea birthed from a nebula of comedic minds--but, rather, a spin-off of That's So Raven. It's hard to believe that something with such originality, depth and promise is a spin-off. Let's hope that in the land of spin-offs, this is more of a Frasier, than a Joey.

Ya know, talking about this show is getting my creative juices flowing. I think I want to pitch an idea that the Disney Channel might enjoy:

Okay, the show would be me taking a huge crap in a brown paper bag and each week I would light it on fire and throw it at a different TV executive's face. We can call it Corey Shits in the Bag (and then throws it at a TV executive's face)

I will sell this idea for a pilot for no less than 1 million dollars. Commence your bidding.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I am one step closer to fulfilling my dream of becoming a Super Model


Yeah, that's right. Your eyes do not deceive you. 'Tis I, C. Johnson, pictured on the front page of The Onion as one of "800,000 Privlidged Youths [that gets to] Enlist to fight in Iraq".

I am really important shit--clearly if you didn't know that before, you know it now. I mean, not everyone get's to stand in the rain for 15 minutes in the middle of times square and have their picture taken for a fake news newspaper. If that doesn't scream super model, I don't know what does.

Here Here!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

mmm...

If you've talked to me at all today you know the exciting news:

I got Olive Garden for lunch!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, it's pretty sad, not to mention super lame that this makes me so excited. It makes me even sadder and supremely lame to then go ahead and post a blog about it; honestly though, this is literally the best thing that's happened to me today. Knowing I was going to order Olive Garden gave me a purpose to get out of bed this morning. And besides, read the description of this blog--I'm fulfilling my mission.



That's right folks, straight from the succulent adds on TV to my mouth: Stuffed Rigatoni with Grilled chicken in a delightful cream sauce. Let me repeat that: Stuffed rigatoni. 3 kinds of cheeses in those tubes. No more plain, hollow rigatoni for me. I can't even believe I used to eat that shit. Who likes pasta stuffed with air?!

AND to add to the splendor of this, there is enough for me to get dinner out of it too!!!!!

I know what you're thinking, "Whoa, Mr. Moneybags!! Eating like royalty today, are we?" and "What village did you rape and pillage in order to be able to afford The Olive Garden?" The answers to these questions lie in the two most glorious words spoken by man:

Gift Card.

I had an $11 gift card I had gotten for Easter last year. (we are not religious and don't really celebrate Easter, however my mom still likes to give us presents and who am I to stop her? She had told my sister to put $15 on the gift card, but Katie only had $11 dollars on her. She bought the card and then my mom gave me the difference in cash.)

For $7 (the difference of what the card didn't cover--$18 for a lunch?!?!? that's crazy talk, olive garden!) I got a huge salad, bread sticks, and the delicious entree pictured above. Lunch and dinner. Done and done.

I hope your jealousy doesn't overshadow the joy you should feel for me.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I am, indeed, in mourning.

Yesterday, when I got off the plane from New Orleans, I spent more time waiting for the car service to pick me up than I did on the plane. In that time I waited with a very classy woman named Dorris. She had some sort of 1/2 British-Madonna accent that made her sound extremely dignified and pretentious--you know she has spent years perfecting it as to disguise her unimpressive American accent. She did succeed, however, in proving her high status position.



Dorris: Tomorrow is a national holiday for the mourning of President Ford.

Me: Ooooh, I wonder if I'll get time and a half at work!

Dorris: (pause. smile.) That's not the right attitude.


Yeah, it's probably not the right attitude. But I still want to know if I'm getting time and a half!


That being said, here is this blog's tribute to our former president.



I bet Dorris didn't publish a picture of him photoshopped in front of an American flag on her blog! Did you Dorris?!?!?

What an unpatriotic bitch.