We have gone to war, people. You are either with us or with the enemy, and my suggestion is that you are with us, unless of course, you want to die a slow, painful death in the teeth of a cat.As many of you may know, our apartment has been a breeding ground for these merciless freedom haters (yes, cockroaches hate freedom. They also hate comfort, compassion, and all things that aren't gross) and the situation is grave.
But fear not, my fellow cockroach-loathers, we are winning this war. Last night was a prime example of the unity, teamwork, and courageous resilience needed to defeat these disgusting-doers. Last night's battle was a multi-pronged effort carried out with pin-point expertise and precision.
The War On Roaches starts with us; we are the first line of defense. Between the 4 roommates and one cat, we have 10 eyes. 10 eyes to search for anything that looks suspicious (or is a cockroach). And as the MTA tells us, if we see something, we must say something. Last night, I did just that. I saw the suspicious activity (cockroach crawling on the living room bed) and said something (a shrillish holler that brought me up off the bed onto my feet.) I tried to scoot the fucker onto the floor so I could crush it, once again, with my mighty journal. The effects of my mismanaged scooting, however, were unfavorable and the insurgent scurried away towards the safety of a cluttered bookcase. This prompted me to lunge after him with a clunky, inelegant force bringing me, boorishly, to my knees.
The awkwardly loud flailing and falling frightened the cat. After he realized what the commotion was about, though, he jumped into action as the first-response unit we've trained him to be, giving me a look that said, "You go away, I got this under control." Bear lurked around a bit and then retreated into his Mosque (One Saturday, Brian decided to take the cardboard boxes he got from a pillow shipment and constructed a 2-level sanctuary for the cat. He labeled it, 'Kitty Mosque'). I told Bear that this was no time to pray but was quickly informed that he was actually using his Mosque as a hide-out, a camouflaged post from which he could stalk his prey. Good thinking, Cat!
It wasn't long before we heard Bear pounce towards the bookcase and carry out an in depth ground operation which ended in him trotting away with an excessively successful bounce in his step. We quickly noticed he was parading the sinful creature in his mouth. He brought it into the living room and sat there looking at us in a way that said, "Before we go any further, I want it documented that this is my kill. Got it?" We agreed and followed him back towards the other side of the apartment next to the bathroom--The area which I now refer to as Astoria Ghraib.
1st Dispatch Courtney B. Lauria was keen on getting the necessary equipment and supplies ready to be used. With her help, I grabbed the can of Raid, some paper towels, and our atomic weapon of choice, "Ceil Dyer's Best Recipes Made from the Backs of Boxes, Bottles, Cans and Jars" which has about 3 more inches of roach-squashing thickness than my Mighty Journal.
I walked back to Astoria Ghraib, supplies in tow, to see Jon "The Finisher" Erdman coaxing the cat to release his kill. But Bear just sat there, torturing the crawling devil trying to obtain any information regarding the whereabouts of any additional roach cells, training centers, or future plans of attack. It is unclear if Bear got any information, but he waited until he felt the life expire and escape through the roach's dirty exoskeleton, at which time he dropped the carcass. Brian, wrangled the cat while Jon smashed the cookbook down with brute force, just to be certain the fiend was dead. It was. He then flushed the remains down the toilet.
Bear patrolled the grounds for the rest of the night, staying alert and focused on protecting the homeland. He sniffed the perimeter of the apartment, making sure the borders to the outside, roach-infested world were secure.
This is the kind of determination and resolve we must live each night of our lives while facing these monsters. We must be prepared to do whatever it takes to complete this roachicide.
After seeing the accomplishments of Gatsby "Bear" Handsome III, It is my honor and privilege to appoint him Secretary of Apartment Security.
Huzzah!
3 comments:
corey,
you are hilarious. haha. really though, as someone familiar with having roach problems, i have some advice. now, don't tell Bear this, but his cardboard mosque is a huge attraction for roaches. they love cardboard and tend to lay eggs in it. so... perhaps while Bear is out on a mission one day, you can swap out his duplex with something non-corrugated. also, do you guys have exterminators coming regularly? when we had roaches in Brooklyn, we had an exterminator come every 2 weeks and it got rid of our problem right away. it's probably in your lease that your landlord has to pay for it. as someone who woke up at 3am to the sensation of a vile roach crawling on my arm near my face... i feel your pain, brother.
p.s. - this is katy.
Well written article.
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