brilliance

Sometimes when I feel the need to update this thing, but have nothing specific to say, I just start writing and something magically appears. We all know how that turns out: Random ass ramblings and Google images of Father Time....oh boy. This post will not turn out that way. No. This uninspired rant will be brilliant. It will change the way you think about your meaningless life. It will give meaning to the way you think. I might go so far as to say it will be gold. Pure. Orgasmic. Fart-ripping gold.

are you ready?

I'm gonna go ahead and answer that for you: I don't think you are. I don't think you're ready for what is about to astound you. I don't think you are nearly in the right frame of mind to laugh as hard as you will laugh, or to shed the salty tears you will cry. My words will seep deep into your black soul and enrich it with bursts of colors unimaginable to the petty human eye. Will you be able to handle that? I don't know. That's not for me to decide. What I do know is that I will touch you. I will touch you in places you haven't been touched in for quite some time--those dark, trenchy places you've been waiting for someone to unlock for years upon years. This blog holds the key--are you willing to open that endless treasure of suppressed emotion?

You and your pessimism. Don't think I don't know what you're saying, "What treasure is he talking about?" "This is weird." and "Can I ever get this time back?" Go fuck yourself. With a pitchfork. You people and your lies. You disgust me.

I'm sorry. That....that was uncalled for. Please keep reading. I promise you the most glorious, awe-inspiring, sensational reward you can imagine. What you are about to read will affect you in a way that makes God looking you in the eye telling you your His most glorious creation seem as impressive as a used condom lying limply on the floor. Still don't believe me? Fine. I'll tell you something though--the people who read the first draft of what you are about to read were blown away. They were heard saying things like, "My life now has clarity and purpose" and "This blog entry should be considered the most important piece of post-civil war literature in the American cannon"

I don't want to build it up too much. We all know what its like when you have high expectations that aren't met. Wait. Hahaha. Who am I kidding? I don't have to worry about that. My brilliance knows no un-met expectations. I could be a blind, limbless oaf typing with my tongue and create something that would be taught in 9th grade english classes for centuries...Nay...MILLENNIA. That's right, my tongue has more talent than your "published" name or your "inspired and creative" heart. Oh, I feel sad for you. When I think about you and all that you aren't doing with your life, it almost makes me want to weep--if I actually cared, perhaps I would be shedding actual tears...But I don't, so I remain dry. Oh, how I wish I could share even just the slenderest slice of my burgeoning talent. If I could package it up with a crisply tied bow and give it to you for your birthday--I would. I'm generous like that. But much like love, happiness, and gut-renching jealousy, talent is intangible--so you shall remain talentless, for I cannot break some of mine off and feed it to you.

I can only hope you have mentally prepared yourself for this, the second coming of Christ (in blog form). By reading this you have legally agreed that ummm....i didn't know i was starting a blog or any of its contributors shall have no accountability or hold any responsibility for any and all consequences of its forthcoming magnificence. In layman's terms--if your brain explodes from me blowin' your mind--I ain't payin' for the cleaners.

And finally, before we depart towards the heaven that is this entry--try to use your upcoming, new found wisdom for good. Let these words be a mirror in which you can hold up to yourself to see the inner beauty that resides deep, deep, deep inside you. Buried way down in there under all those layers of ugly. It's a tiny glimmer which I shall help illuminate and foster into a radiating beam of perfection shining with the intensity of the sun.

You should be ready.

Here we go.



There is no stopping it now.





PREPARE YE!!!!!!!




ahem...


ok....


alright. lets see....

OK:

Today for lunch I had 1/2 of a leftover burritto. I got it last night and only ate half so i could have the other 1/2 today for lunch. I wanted to eat the whole thing---

Ok. wait. that's no good. ok. wow. ha. Its harder to rock your mind than I thought it would be, ya know?...

OK. I'm warmed up now. Let us try this again:

Sometimes i sit here at work and think, "wow, i really have to go to pee...But i just went like five minutes ago." Isn't that funny...?

Alright. Ya know what?!

Clearly I am subconsciously not letting my genius be wasted on you. ha. I should have known. You talentless hacks are draining me. I'm gonna go--you'll have to resign yourself to a life sans my life-changing masterpiece.