NYSC

I joined a gym. New York Sports Club. I'm really excited because they have a pool, and I enjoy swimming, so for me, it's the perfect workout.

I've never belonged to a gym before. Never had the time, the will, or the desire. I was perfectly content wishing and praying really hard for a better body. However, I have reached the point where wishing and praying is taking up too much time with too few results.

Some of my friends are a little alarmed that I joined the gym. I've never been the gym "type." I was a sweat pants-wearing fat kid who went on to become vice president and co-founder of The Fat Club. Fat Club members just don't go to the gym; they just don't. Fat club members watch TV. However, I feel that in this day and age, Fat Club members can coincide with gym members. It's time to bridge that gap...and hope the bridge doesn't collapse when we walk over it. We live in exciting times.

I must say, though, along with the excitement of this new adventure, comes some hesitation and nervousness. The gym is like its own separate community with its own separate rules and lingo. The only rules and lingo I'm accustomed to have to do with the all-you-can-eat pasta special at The Olive Garden. I don't know the first thing about gym etiquette.

1. Do I shower naked? I don't know if you have your own stall or if you're out there flappin' in the communal breeze. I don't want to be the loser whose uncomfortable with his nakedness and wears a bathing suit. In turn, I do not want to be the weirdo who showers naked.

2. Do I shower before I go into the pool or just after?

3. If I do shower before I go into the pool, do I shower naked or in my bathing suit?

agh. There are so many variables.

It's pretty much the whole shower thing that gets me. That and the logistics of how to get where I need to be. I don't want to get lost on my way to the pool and end up standing over by the free weights looking confused and disoriented, while wearing my bathing suit, swim cap and goggles, dripping all over some dude's 50 lb dumbbells cuz I thought I had to take a pre-shower. That's just embarrassing.

In any case, I have a lane reservation for Friday afternoon, so we shall see what the outcome will be. I'm fairly certain it will be slightly akin to that of a Seinfeld episode.