hallowDUMB

It's now November 1st. Every November 1st I make the same resolution: fuck Halloween. I shall not participate next year. This time I mean it though. Really. I'm boycotting Halloween next year.
It's pathetic--every year its the same routine:
-I think of a brilliant idea for a costume around July or August.
-I don't write it down and forget about it.
-Halloween steadily approaches and I start complaining about how I don't like it and have no costume.
-Someone convinces me to go to a Halloween party and I scrounge around for an idea.
-A brief moment occurs when I start to think, "ok, this might be fun. Maybe I do like Halloween"
-That insanity ends and I'm left hastily putting together a "costume" on the night of Halloween.

Last year I went to a party dressed as "leftovers." I wrapped myself in saran wrap. (which, by the way, is very hot and doesn't breathe). For work, my friend Nairoby and I dressed as Bert and Ernie. She looked like a sunburn and I was wearing a child's shirt from K-mart with a fake mustauche glued to my forehead. Needless to say, we did not win the prize for best costume.

This year I stole my idea for a "costume" from my insanely clever, hilarious friend John Bow. He once went to a Halloween party dressed as "an identity crisis" by putting numerous"hello my name is..." name tags with different names all over his person. I took this idea verbatim and pawned it off as my own. Maybe it was my execution, but I'm pretty sure I just confused people.
Granted, I had loads of fun coming up with different names and writing them on the name tags. Random people like Bob Wright, Tony Shaloub, and Hitler as well as names of people I went to elementary school with; Geoff Lewis and Jesse Lindon--two people I haven't thought about in years, but somehow spontaneously entered my head and, probably to their chagrin, became part of my "costume." I guess I can thank Halloween for that stroll down memory lane. I guess.

So ok, that's fine. I have a "costume", it's cheap, and easy to put together. Done and done, I'm ready to go.

Walking around New York City on Halloween is a joy. A joy similar to the joy you get from singing awful kareoke--It's fun to look at other people and silently judge them, but when it's your turn, you are embarrassed and wish to remain invisible. I walked through the streets of Soha, past the Mamma's Fried Chicken and weird Seafood place, sporting my superiorly clever "costume," walking as fast as I could to the subway.

The subway. A place full of crazies, now heightened by the fact that you can't tell them apart from the "party-goers." Thank god I was able to nestle into the semi-secluded seat next to the wall by the train-conductor door. Of course my nano wasn't working, so I couldn't retreat into my guarded world of ipod-solitude, and I had emptied my bag out in order to make room for the 4 heinekin and 2 bud lights I was contributing to the party, so I had no reading material to distract me either. Just me and everyone else; some dressed up, most not, no one talking. Being in a "costume" by yourself is awkward, people. Sure, its Halloween, so that makes it "okay," but it's still uncomfortable to sit next to some dude with stickers all over his shirt, or some girl dressed as a "Slutty Nurse" or "Slutty Stewardess" or "Slutty Darth Vader"

Seriously, all Halloween is, really, is a giant excuse for girls to look as slutty as possible. This is common knowledge, right? I don't know when it happened, but October 31st, somehow, became the day you ladies decided it was kosher to wipe away all morality, all decency, all that your mothers taught you to be good and true, and replace it with unabashed Whoredom. It's just what you do. Unless you're middle aged. If you're middle aged, you put on a crazy wig and call it a night.

I find the whole holiday just a lot of stress which ultimately leads to a party where people look at your shoddy "costume" with perplexed faces and blank stares. The best part is when your punch line, "I'm an identity crisis," is met with an "oh." In that single, monosyllabic word, all your hard work (1/2 hr and $4.25) goes swirling down the drain, forever lost in the septic tanks of confusion. The thing that made this particular party, though, was Carolyn and Kevin dressed as Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn and seeing them declare whose costume was "in" and who was "out." Carolyn gave a stunning, committed impersonation of Heidi. Kevin broke character a lot...But I guess he can be forgiven. They did not, however, "auf" my costume. Most likely it was only due to the fact that I am their friend.

All in all, it was a good time, don't get me wrong--hanging out on a roof, drinking with friends is fun, I just don't see why everyone feels the need to dress up to do so. "Just don't wear a costume" you might say in a bitchy tone, frustrated that I'm still talking about this. But that is not the answer. No, then I become the lame-o without a costume who is made to wear a wife-beater with "I'm Ugly. I wear this everyday" written on it (true story. they made costume-less people wear that). It's almost as bad and as embarrassing as being the only person at a party in costume. Almost.

No. I think I'll just boycott Halloween. It's easier that way. And this time I mean it... Next Halloween I'm going to stay home and watch FUNNY movies, not scary ones. Eat HEALTHY food, not candy, and wear a t-shirt and jeans which in NO way resembles something abstract and "clever."